Archive for the 'Humor' Category
A guy goes into a supermarket and while walking down one aisle, a beautiful blond at the end of the aisle waves at him and says, “Hello”.
He’s rather taken back, because he can’t place where he knows her. So he says “do you know me?”
To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my children.”
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your friend whipped me?”
“afraid not” she said, ” I’m your son’s English teacher.”
A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other in an airport. After a few minutes of silence the Priest looks over and says, “Rabbi, is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”the Rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”The Priest then asked, “Well have you ever tasted pork before?”
To which the Rabbi replied, “Yes on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.” The Priest nodded his understanding.
They sat in silence again for a bit and the Rabbi turned to the priest and said, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
The Priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The Rabbi then asked, “Well Father have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The Priest replied, “Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was week and I broke with my faith.” The Rabbi nodded his understanding and remained in silent thought for about five minutes.
Finally the Rabbi said, “Beats the heck out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there’s a “peel and win” sticker on her coffee cup.So she peels it off and starts screaming, “I’ve won a motorhome! I’ve won a motorhome!”The waitress says, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?”
But the blonde keeps on screaming, “I’ve won a motorhome! I’ve won a motorhome!”
Finally, the manager comes over and says, “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but you’re mistaken.
You couldn’t have possibly won a motorhome because we didn’t have that as a prize.
The blonde says, “No, it’s not a mistake. I’ve won a motorhome!”
And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads.
“W I N A B A G E L”
St Peter is standing at heaven’s gate when a man walks up.
“Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?”
“I was a policeman,” he responded.
“What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked.
“I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.”
“Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates.”
A few moments later a second man walks up.
“Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?”
“I was a policeman,” he responded.
“What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked.
“I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers.”
“Well done my son. Pass through the gates into paradise.”
A few moments later a third man walks up.
“Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?”
“I was a policeman,” he responded.
“What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked.
“I was a Military Policeman, Sir.”
“Excellent my son, I have to leave for a bit, watch the gate will you?”
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?” The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into yet another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. “Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. “No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded. “That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!” “Don’t worry about it.” the man answered. “The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”
A guy just died and is standing at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through a big book to see if the guy is worthy. St. Peter goes through the book several times and furrows his brow.
“You know, I can’t see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one really good deed, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment. “Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of biker gang members vandalizing a schoolyard. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of ‘em smashing in windows, tearing off doors and setting fires. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, walked up to the leader of the gang — a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the biker gang members formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Laid him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor building alone! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!’”
St. Peter, impressed starts looking through his book again and says, “Really? When did this happen?”
“Oh, about two minutes ago.”
An old biker decked out in his leather chaps, jacket and boots with faded jeans and a Harley T-shirt went to a bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the biker and asked him, “Are you a real biker?”
He replied, “Well, I have spent my whole life on two wheels, riding Harley’s, fixin’ bikes, and trying to find the perfect curve in the road, I guess I am.” After a short while he asked her what she was.
She replied, “I’ve never been on a Harley so I’m not a biker, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, work, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women.”
A short while later she left and the biker ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, “Are you a real biker?”
He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m probably a lesbian.”
A man owns a parrot that swears like a sailor. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and the bird’s foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets out of control. The guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him hard and yells, “Quit it!”
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says,
“Now you’re going to pay.” He locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts
loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At this point, the guy is so mad that he
throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible ruckus. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes.
Then it suddenly gets very, very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt.
After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s worried enough to open the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man’s outstretched arm and says, “Awfully sorry about the trouble I caused you.
I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.” The man is astounded. He can’t understand the transformation
that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot asks, “By the way, what did the chicken do?”
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a rest stop where two bikers are leaning against their bikes. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks.
The two bikers just stare at him.
“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries.
The two continue to stare.
“Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first biker turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”
“Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”
There’s a guy sitting at a biker bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making biker steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The biker says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison…”
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